My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
