I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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