I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
