Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
