I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
