My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
