Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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