I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
