the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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