I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.