Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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