my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I think i got beer on your cat.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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