I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT