non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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