I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Wipe that smile off your face.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?