The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
How drunk are you?
Completed.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
