I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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