I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
