cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
