i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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