My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
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COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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