i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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