I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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