i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
