Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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