I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
