so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
