you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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