9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
