Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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