I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
