dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
