please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
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