Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
