omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
