Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
