I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
