dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I look better un-naked...
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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