just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
