I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
