I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
