she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wanna passion pit in your ass
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
