He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
