Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
