it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
