They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
