he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
