: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Randomize
