Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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