If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
