We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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