Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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