it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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