I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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