Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
