I just pynch a tree in the face
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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