in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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