I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
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I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
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You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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