11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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