I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
