I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Text me some of your sweat
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
