I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My day in three words: secret purse cake
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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